I love playing the ol' first person shooters. Nothing
like blowing the crap out 30 monsters and then having 50 more in the
next room. But I cant help but notice how horrably repetitive the games
can get. This site is a tribute to all the cliches that make up the
first person shooters. Enjoy.
1.
Every problem imaginable can
be solved with violence.
2. Wars never end and seem to
go on forever. Especially World War 2.(Medal of Honor Rule)
3. Large
corporations are EVIL.
4.
Even nerds are tough-asses.
5.
The entire world is always in danger of being destroyed and it is up to
1 person to stop it.
6.
The most delicate machinery is operated by a. shooting it or b. running
in to it.
7.
You've had your voice box removed, so it's lucky you can communicate
telepathically with everyone you meet.
8.
The one person that can save the world is blessed with the ability to
run and fire a rocket launcher while carrying 3 pistols, 2 assault
rifles, 7 sub-machine guns, the doomsday device and a truckload of
grenades and ammunition in his/her back pocket.
9.
You may or may not have arms but you never have legs.
10. You can
run the 100m dash in 4,6 seconds.
11 Your sidearm has a range of infinity as you fire anti-gravity
bullets.
Telegraphing Your Punches rule
12. Piles of
health on the ground is a really bad sign! Since balanced game play is
somewhere down the list and well after big encounters! Every big event
in the game will be foreshadowed by a sudden gift of health and
ammunition even though you spent the last two maps using your
knife/axe/pistol because you were so low. It should be noted that
whatever you face will not use any of the weapons you picked up ammo
for right outside his door.
13. Shooting objects you
need even with most powerful BFG does nothing whatsoever to them.
Even most things you don't need.
14. Your biceps and
shoulders transmit such awesome energy that any object struck by them
with another is likely to immediately explode, break or disintegrate.
15. You can fire heavy weapons,
run great distances without tripping and jump on average three meters
in the air, all while having one percent health. Meaning one percent of
your body is intact. What if that one percent were, say, a finger nail
or lock of hair or a pinkie toe, then you're screwed.
16. No
matter how many times you fight, and kill the end boss/monster
throughout the course of the game, it is never really dead; and will
return in the sequel.
17. There is always a
way of getting up on a ledge if the ladder is broken.
18.
Just because it is a door
doesn't necessarily mean it will open. If it does open, you only
have to touch it to make it do so. Doorknobs are a thing of the past!
19. Crates of ammunition and
medical supplies can be found just lying on the side of the road.
Persumably they really did "fall off the back of a truck."
20. Firing a rocket launcher at
your feet and jumping at the same time actually makes you fly through
the air rather than just blowing off your legs.
21. A grown man can easily stand
on top of 6 bottles, four flour pots, five deer legs and a speed potion
in the middle of a corridor, but as long as he's in shadow, passing
guards won't take any notice of him.
22. No matter how low on
ammunition you are, you will always have a meleé weapon, or a
gun with unlimited ammunition.
23.
Even if
you have a rocket launcher, or some kind of small nuclear device, you
will always need a key to get
through a door.
24. It is possible to climb up
ladders facing backwards and with a gun in each hand.
25. You can run flat
out for a mile carrying almost a ton of weapons and equipment.
26. However, you can
not pull yourself up onto a three-foot high ledge.
27. When you are shot
at while wearing a backpack crammed to the brim with rockets, grenades,
C4 charges and unstable plasma cells, it does not explode and kill you.
28. You can spend
hours/days/weeks/years screwing around and still arrive just in time to
save the world.
29. Someone with no
medical knowledge whatsever can stitch themselves from a bloody pulp to
perfect health in 5 seconds.
30. You can take about
a million bullets without removing them and still be strong enough to
defeat the end boss.
31. When firing
rockets, you can put the back end of the launcher against a wall and
not be fried by the backblast.
32. You can stitch
yourself up, disarms bombs, open doors, operate intricate computy
devices, use special items, etc. while keeping two hands on your gun.
33. The key to the blue
door is always behind the red door.
Perfect Every Time Guarnteed Rule
34.
Health kits are never out. Guns never jam. Grenades are never
duds. Equipment
left lying in the rain and mud for weeks on end will work perfectly.
35. You can pick up any
gun from any part of the world, and instantly be able to use it like
you were born with it.
36. You are a good guy.
If you are a bad guy, there has to be some element involved, which
shows you in good light.
37. You spend a long
time trying plowing your way through an army of more or less normal
grunts armed only with some pesky bullet-spitters - when you finally
get your hands on that rocket launcher and/or heavy&portable
plasma-fusion-cannon, you suddenly notice that all your foes have
turned into 3+ meter tall cyborgs with even bigger guns and 8-inch
body-armour.
38. If you are
wandering in some otherworldly terrain where there is little chance
anyone would have put ammunition, medkits, or armor, your path will
invariably be dotted with the corpses of others who came that way and
just happened to die before depleting their cache of ammunition and
possibly power cells which *suprise!*
just happen to be compatible with the weapons that you have.
39. If there is some
seemingly unpredictable plague or other ailment (often times body
stealing aliens) affecting a major portion of the people wherever the
game is set, you will for whatever reason just happen to be one of the
people unaffected by the plague or conveniently passed over by the
aliens. If you are infected, generally something will have gone wrong
and you will be able to find a cure before you end up like the others.
40. All space
stations/space ships/orbital weapon platforms/little chunks of stuff
just floating in space/etc. have uniform, planet-like gravity.
41. Robots and aliens
don't get along.
42. You can take over
20 bullets while wearing body armor similar to the other guys, but they
can just take 2 or 3.
43. It doesn't matter where you are shot, even if your body armor
doesn't touch the spot that you get shot at you are still protected.]
44. Guards never, EVER
call for reinforcements, unless they are a hair away from death.
45. Guards walk around
loudly and whistle loudly, not expecting someone will hear them.
46. Guards will look
for you if you just killed their buddy, but if he can't find you after
a while, he'll just go back on duty like nothing happened, with the
body right next to him.
47. You will always have to travel through a
sewer to get somewhere.
48. No matter
what other rooms are locked, the toilets will always be open and
usually contain a few bad guys to kill.
48. Enemy snipers have
10x better eyesight than you and will always see you at a great
distance.
49. There will be boxes
and crates. Lots and lots.
50. The bridge is
broken, or will break when you step on it.
51. There is always an
abyss that you fall into that no amount of health will help save you.
52. There is always
{insert lava/acid/radiation here} that saps your health rapidly until
you run out of it.
53. Picking up 6 of the
same type of armor will protect you 6 times as much.
54. When was the last
time you saw or used a crowbar in real life?
55. You don't need to
eat or drink. Ever. It only heals a small amount ya know.
56. No matter if you
are fighting Nazis, there it will be always a non human guy, or
something weird to add to the story.
57. You don't find the
really ultra super cool gun/superpower/shields/jetpack (which would
have *really* helped duing the first levels) until the game is almost
over, you don't really need it anymore, and the end boss is most often
invulnerable to it.
58. Women are always
the same height as men.
59. And almost all of
the humans(particularly women) are perfectly physically fit and have 3%
bodyfat.
60. Weapon and health
stats hang mysteriously in the air before you.
61. No matter how
complex, large, or otherwise high-tech some machinery is, it can be
sucessfully operated with a single button or lever.
62. All enemy bases
have a self-destruct feature.
63. If an enemy is low
on health, shooting him in the toe will be the final straw and kill him.
64. You know that a
door is useless if it doesnt make a sound. If it makes a silly sound
but stays closed, you need to find the key. There is always a key.
65. You can jump
exactly 1.0 feet. If a ledge is 1.01 feet tall, you must get a 1.0 foot
crate and set it next to the ledge, then jump on it to get on the ledge.
66. The "quickest
route" is always blocked by rubble or has been somehow destroyed.
67. Anyone important to
the plot cannot be killed, at least not until the final level.
68. Enemies have a
small vocabulary, repeating the same 3 empty threats.
69. Enemies always use
their assigned wimpy gun. They will not pick up better weapons off the
floor. On the other hand, at least they have infinite ammo.
70. Enemies are
discernible by their uniforms. They would never try sneaky tactics to
kill you. That would be against the Geneva Convention you know.
71. Any water will save
you. You can dive head first into 2 foot deep water and be fine.
72. The character wears
some sort of super fibro-armor that not only equalizes damage over all
regions of the body, but also absorbs most of that damage. This allows
him or her to take an incredible number of rounds and/or cheesy fake
laser beam things in the chest (oh, let's not be forgetting rockets and
RPGs) and anywhere else of the body with no negative side effects
whatever other than the occasional temporary reddening of the vision.
73. No matter how
skillful, agile, and combat proficient the player character is during
regular play, all such attributes mysteriously dissapear during
cutscenes, during which time the player can be killed or captured by
his enemies with humilating ease.
74. No matter how wary
and suspicous you are of the evil terrorist army or legion of
annhilation that opposes you, you should always be infintely more wary
and suspicious of your superiors within your own organisation, since
they will often end up to be allied with the enemy, controlling the
enemy, or setting you up as a fall-guy for some other misdeed.
75. You can always tell
when something bad is going to happen ( a boss-fight, an ambush, etc. )
because the music will suddenly change speed and style, or stop
altogether.
76. When ordinary
people die, they just die anywhere, often convienienly leaving
power-ups on their corpses ( see previously stated rule ) However, when
a person who has some vital item or device is killed, they always,
inexplicably die in some obscure difficult to reach location ( in an
underground bunker filled with radioactive waste, or at the end of a
complex system of damaged air vents and maintence tunnels, or something
) even when there is no logical reason for them to be there, much less
die there. No one carrying the vital keycard or secret code dies in an
empty un-guarded office, or a well-lit open corridor, for instance.
77. You are mute, but
that's not a problem at all. (Just
step into the portal and I'll take that as a yes rule.)
78. There is always a
prison level, in one form or another. It is also very easy to
infiltrate/escape from.
79. Whenever you are
captured and imprisoned by the enemy, no matter deep in the enemy's
inner sanctum you are imprisoned, the guard sent to watch you and guard
your cell will always be the most incompetent and weak guard around,
and will usually have a weak bladder, be really nervous, easily
distracted or have a similar convenient difficulty that will ease your
escape. You will never find yourself guarded by a heavily armed cadre
of Elite StormTroopers, or by the villian's attractive and skillfull
right-hand-man/woman.
80. No matter how
sophisticated and powerful the surveillance devices and automated
weapons systems in the enemy's base is, all such equipment will be
mysteriously missing from your cell and the area directly around it.
After all, you wouldn't want to be able to immediately identify and
attack an escaping prisoner, would you?
81. When the guards
confiscate all your equipment and weaponry on capturing you, they never
think to destroy it, or distribute it among themselves. Instead, they
always put it all in a box or crate and leave it right beside your
cell. If they're especially cunning and clever, they may leave it in a
locked room across the corridor. If they're absolutely brilliant,
they'll leave it in the Armoury. Don't worry though, the Armoury is
never more than few minute's distance from the prison cells.
82. Guards will often
shout things like "put down your guns!" or "drop your sword!" or
"surrender!". But if you try to put your weapon away or stop what
you're doing, they shoot at your regardless.
83. You are the star of
the show. You are the one who disarms the bomb, sinks the tanker, blows
up the space station, and kills the bad guy. The accomplishments of
your allies will never measure up to your own. If at any point you find
yourself performing an action that merely supports the efforts of
another group or person, you will eventually find that the mission was
a failure/the team was wiped out/the transmission didn't get
through/there was no help to be had from the military/etc., leaving you
to perform whatever action you were originally simply playing a
supporting role in.
84. No one has the
abilites that you do. Wheter it's using multiple weapons, climbing
ladders, having a powerful shielding system or hazard suit, or hacking
into a security system, no one has as diverse a skill set as you!
85. You can run
non-stop through the entire gameworld from start to finish without even
the suggestion of stopping to catch your breath.
86. Whenever there is a
perma-locked door, there is ALWAYS a vent shaft that leads directly the
other side of the door.
87. No matter how fast
you can run and how many items you can carry in your arms, a small
branch or piece of wood across the path will block you completely,
preventing you from jumping or climbing over.(Impassable Small
Branch Of Doom Rule)
88. Any secret
government project is probably a teleporter. This teleporter will
involve passing through Hell, the Elder Realm or some other dimension
which has near-omnipotent rulers who then decide "Hey, those fuckers
ain't building no hyperspace bypass through my dimension" and start
invading our world. If there's no secret government project and aliens
invade they probably came through a wormhole or portal of their own.
89. If someone has
important information which they must tell you, you will reach them
either just in time for them to tell you before they die, or just as
they die. You just know they're laughing at you from the afterlife if
it's the latter.
90. Whenever you're
captured, you will be captured at some point, the boss will want to
talk to you. He'll talk about how great he is or how you should have
joined his side ect. He'll talk long enough for something bad to happen
and for you to escape.
91. Whener you're
captured, the enemy doesn't just shoot you in the head while you're
handcuffed or passed-out. That would be dishonorable, even though said
enemy could have comitted every crime known to man.
92. There are
lightswitches only in a couple of rooms.
93. Characters in many
games must be extraordinarily sensative to temperature, since they have
an apparently insatiable desire for cool air. This leads them to ensure
that any and all structures, not matter how security-sensetive they
are, are ridden with large, easily navigable ventilation shafts. It
does not appear to occur to the designers that these might pose any
kind of security risk, since they seldom seem to bother protecting them
with anything beyond easily removable metal gratings. The actual nature
or location of the structure seems to be irrelvant, since even
installations in the Antarctic or the Moon have them. Some of these
buildings are so riddled with the things that it's a wonder they don't
just collapse.
94. A character's
clothing and general appearance have absolutely no bearing on their
vulnerability. Armour is utterly useless and quite possibly painted on.
A woman wearing nothing more than a black leather swimsuit, a soldier
in standard combat gear, and a Super Samurai Death Shock Knight encased
in heavy steel are all equally vulnerable to everything from a cruise
missile to a lead pipe. Wearing heavy armor still generally seems to
slow you down, though, despite it's apparent uselessness.
95. You can always
carry about 30 clips from about 10 different weapons, even rocket
launchers, grenade launchers, and mortars; in reality totaling over 300
pounds.
96. That one grunt has
been shooting at you for hours, having seemingly endless ammo you kill
him. And yet he only has 25 bullets on him, same as all the other 200
grunts you've killed.
97. When you find a new
weapon it will always be more powerful than what you're
carrying already.(The Progressive
Power Rule)
98. The stronger the
weapon, the less ammo you can carry for it. Despite the fact you are
already carrying several hundred pounds worth of munitions already.
99. You will never be
able to carry more than certain amount of ammunition for any given
weapon, no matter how little/much you are already carrying.
100. No matter the
trouble you can always outrun it by running to a point the
guards/enimies will not look. Conversely you can kill all of the guards
in a given location and never have to worry about others turning up
there.
101. No matter how big
the gun is, or how close it is to your head, or how many thousands of
rounds you fire, you never go deaf.
102. If the game has a
flashlight, when they take all your weapons, they let you keep it. How
nice of them.
103. The Enemy Can't See Lasers. Even if it's
on their shirt or on their buddy's head.
104. Every game must
have a seemingly unpassable route involving water and electrocution.
But don't worry. Either there will be a way around it, or a way to turn
the electricty off.
105. Microwaves, lamps,
Refridgerators, radios...you can nuke them and they'll still work.
Flick a booger at a TV though, and the screen breaks and sparks fly.
106. Even if the game is
sophisticated enough to have breaking glass, a howitzer can't break
bathroom mirror.
The Explosions
Do No Corner Very Well rule.
107. It doesn't matter
if the thing exploded a few centimeters away from you, as long as a
small piece of geometry blocks the epicentre from your sight, you will
recieve zero damage.
The Bare Knuckle
rule.
108. When using your
fists you never hurt yourself no matter how hard the surface you decide
to crack your knuckles against. Likewise whenever using a melee weapon
like a knife you never ever injure yourself from knife handle abrasions
the way you would in real life.
109. No matter what
skills you have your enemies will happen to have the perfect way to
neutralise them. You could be god itself, attempting to infultrate a
child's treehouse and they will have exactly the right stuff to make
you as effective as a paper spade.
110. Bullets stop once
they have hit a target, ie. if there are two windows one in front of
the other and you fire, the first will break but the second will be
completely undamaged.
111. Shooting an article
of clothing, like the edge of a helmet or the wrinkle of a sleeve, is
just as fatal as shooting the person directly.
112. Despite the fact
you are carrying enough armaments and munitions to level a mountain,
you can still swim unhindered. And after you've got out, all your guns
will still be working fine.
The Manual, What
Manual? Rule
113. Apon finding a
weapon that gives you more nuclear power than most countries, you
immediately know how to operate it without any instructions.
114. Mission-Critical
NPCs that you are charged with keeping alive will always be too stupid
to live and/or suicidal.
The Find Your
Own Damn Weapons Rule
115. You are
never given more than a pistol and a melee weapon to save the world
with. This falls hand in hand with the "All New Weapons are Better Than
What You Have" Rule. Also, ammo must be obtained on the feild, and any
clip you find laying around will have full ammo, but the case is not
always so with ammo dropped from enemies.
116. Weapons picked up
from enemies are instantaneously converted into ammo, instead of just
taking the clip, and no matter how many rounds the enemy is able to
shoot, they never hold more than one clip on their person.
The Melee-Range
Rule
117. A knife in the back
will be an instant kill, regardless of the amount of armor and the
material it is constructed of. Blows to the head with objects such as a
crowbar or a deactivated control baton will either kill instantly or
greatly reduce health. You will be able to swing several times in rapid
succession without tiring, and will nearly always kill your opponent.
However, a direct shot to the chest with a rocket launcher will not
kill anyone wearing body armor, nor will pistol shots to the head.
118. Every enemy has one
spot they are particularly vulnerable at, usually the head and face. A
shot to any spot on the head, even if it merely grazes an ear, will
kill any low ranking enemy instantly, but a shot to the throat, heart,
or lungs will only damage them about 75%, and only 10% if they appear
to be wearing armor of any type.
The All-Seeing Rule
119. On every floor
monitored by cameras, there will be a tech in a room you can't reach
looking at screens. If you shoot out the camera, he will do nothing,
but if you, even in disguise, put so much as the cuff of your shirt in
the very edge of the screen, he will immediatly sound an alarm and
every guard will know exactly which camera you were seen in without any
confirmation from the tech. Furthermore, if you go to a room or floor
through a route not monitored by camera, the tech will still be able to
train all of the cameras on you while you are there and you will exit
into a room with a camera pointed straight at you.
The 3 key General Use Rule
120. Shotguns shall
always be selected by the '3' key.
121. In every game
there's a point of scripted enemies -- you can camp on a spot, play
cardgames, dance around or have a party; but as soon as you pass the
(insert special landmark here) nearby, there will be a hoarde of
enemies popping up out of nowhere, trying to rush you.
122. There is no fear of
dying, with the "Restart Mission" option on hand at all times!
The World
Revolves Around Me Rule
123. Every
baddie/grunt/boss/trap/secret enemy installation has only one purpose:
to make your life hell. Yes, you're just that important.
Subsequently, they only shoot at you, even if you're surrounded
by your buddies, or that guy with the really annoying laugh pops up
right in front of you. You'll still get shot.
124. A silenced pistol
is literally silent, except to the wielder.
125. Every alleyway
leads to somewhere very interesting. If it simply opens into a street,
it's the only way onto that street.
126. An
awesomely-accurate auto-mapping device with built-in GPS is standard
issue for everybody. Any profession, any era, any planet.
127. Trains, monorails
and teleporters require nobody to operate them. They may have a simple
big red ON button, which has a delay of exactly the time it takes to
board said vehicle from the location of the button.
And now time for a section
dedicated to Project IGI:
1. When a
guard sees someone die from a silenced sniper rifle shot, they will
stand still for a moment before going about their business as usual.
2. When you get something in between you and an enemy, say, oh, I
don't know, something like a pole, or a tree, or a truck, or perhaps a large
building, the enemy will still know exactly where you are, and keep
shooting at you.
3. Bullets go through anything at any range. Walls, trees,
trucks, etc.
4. Bullets do not go through the glass frontpiece to that
helicopter.
5. Guns that don't have any human standing near them cannot be
killed (see helicopter).
6. Tanks can take several hundred grenades to the underside
(weakest armour), but not a single rocket to the front (strongest
armour).
7. Helicopters can take any number of rockets, because they are
made from solid metal, and can still fly through the air like a
butterfly.
8. When two fighter planes say they will shoot your
helicopter down if you do not land, the best thing to do is to keep
going and see if they forget about you.
9. Guards never check the contents of trucks.
10. Guards never think not to lock trucks.
11. When a guard wearing armour is looking down the barrel of a
shotgun that he never heard coming, his first thought is "must reach
for gun and shoot him, must not surrender, might die that way."
12. Snipers can see everything everywhere, and will shoot you in
the head from a distance of 270 metres, despite you having sneaked into
the base on the back of a truck, IE they have no idea that you are
there, or even that anything special is happening today.
13. You can zoom in at a wall and aim at a guard 270 feet away,
sidestep, and still have perfect aim.
14. You can shoot anyone at any distance without having any kind
of rest for your gun.
15. Trained soldiers cannot shoot you more than once out of
emptying an entire clip in your direction.
16. You will enter the mission about to be discovered, after
teleporting from somewhere without any sort of notice, like a large
helicopter dropping you off.
17. When a nuke goes missing, they do not send the army to find
it. They send someone retired, because the army have better things to
do, like get shot (see next).
18. It is a good idea to simply give someone 3 minutes to wade
through a small camp of fighters, climb a large water tower, and
provide cover for six people taking on about 30 enemies.
19. When you have a radio, do not use it. Instead, set time
limits for unreasonable goals, and hope that they have done it anyway
when time is up. Don't call them and say "Are you ready yet?" or
anything.
The Grand List of First Person
Shooter Cliches was a collaborative effort between Me and all the
random users of the TTLG.com forumers that contributed to my
little topic of the
same name I started in 2002.
If you would like to contact me, my address is